Stand At My Grave
by Esmerelda
Summary: Dawn's journal from the time of Joyce's funeral.


TITLE: Stand At My Grave  
AUTHOR: Esmerelda  
E-MAIL: animus_liber@hotmail.com  
DISCLAIMER: *yawns*  
TIMELINE: After 'The Body' (and I'm being quite free with dates, from when 'Body' aired).  
SPOILERS: Spoiling the spoilers... definite S5 and speculative/unconfirmed S5.  
SYNOPSIS: Dawn's journal from the time of Joyce's funeral.  
DISTRIBUTION: Feel free, just let me know.  
AUTHOR'S NOTES: The poem used is quite a famous one with an unknown author.  
FEEDBACK: These don't really alter whether or not you send feedback... but they can be cute to read. Please massage my ego- uh, send me some g.  
RATING: G  
  
  
  
  
  
27th February 2001.  
  
I've only just started this up again. I feel bad that I threw the others out. I keep thinking maybe there's something in them that would help me, but there just isn't. Not memories that aren't really mine, not anything. I feel kind of like I should be being better to Buffy, because she has more right to feel sad than I do, because I'm not really real. But she was my mom too. She loved me. Buffy said that before Mom went into the surgery, she told her to look after me if anything happened. And now something has. What if Dad comes back? I don't want to go away. Especially not with him. I do love Dad, but I don't want to go away from Buffy and Mommy's things. He's been gone anyway. But not really. Not like Mom is.  
  
They're all behaving weird around me. Weirder than when all the stuff about me came out. But they're all like that with Buffy too. None of them seem to know what they're doing. Even Xander - he's comforting Anya a lot. She was actually pretty sweet to me. She said stupid stuff, but she was smiling-crying and she hugged me clumsily when she was done. I figured Willow would be better than that because she's usually pretty sensible, but she just hugged me really hard, and then Tara said she was sorry. Buffy said Tara's mom died when Tara was seventeen, and that Tara had been kind of helpful to her. I wonder if she could help me. I don't like to ask.  
  
Buffy's been the most normal. She called school, but they already knew something was up because of how I broke down, which if I wasn't only feeling sad, which isn't even a strong enough word, I'd be embarrassed about. And she called Lisa's mom and told her and I asked could she ask Lisa to tell my friends. If I tell them it'll be like it's real.  
  
Too much time at the hospital.  
  
I slept in with Buffy last night, huddled together under the covers like we used to when I was five or six. Buffy only had a single bed then. We argued and fought during the day, but at night she was a really great big sister. I used to go to her with my nightmares because Mom and Dad would be arguing, and she'd get me back to sleep. And then she became the Slayer and I knew she could really kick people's asses, not just usual 'my big sister's gonna get you!' stuff.  
  
Maybe that's why she's so calm. Because she's the Slayer so she knows about death. Not everything. She still didn't know where Mom had gone, even as she sent a vampire there. When I looked at Mom's face, it didn't seem like her at all. I guess that's good. It wasn't like seeing someone sleeping. It made me cry again. Xander had to come in and carry me out, and Giles supported Buffy. She still has Giles. He's like her dad. He was really nice to me, and he's being really nice to us, sorting out the paperwork and organising the funeral and everything.  
  
He had a long talk with Buffy last night, and when they came out they both looked like they'd been crying. I guess it was about Giles' girlfriend, Ms Calendar. She died a couple of years ago. It made Buffy really sad. She cried all the time even before that, though. It was when they kept me away from Angel all the time and she and Willow had all these long talks... nobody really told me what was going on, except that I had to avoid him. I still don't really know, not for sure, but I know he went evil, and I know he left because he might have gone evil again.  
  
It made Buffy cry a lot, though. Most of the nights that summer, and then she went back to school and just seemed to forget about it. I guess Buffy's done a lot of crying.  
  
Guess she's going to do more.  
  
* * * * *  
  
28th February  
  
I woke up this morning and it was okay because for a moment I didn't remember. I wish I could live in that moment. I might as well, because I'm not *doing* anything. I decide I'm going to watch a movie, or go for a walk or do homework, to take my mind off it, but nothing *does* so I just don't do anything.  
  
I did look for the photos. Any photos. I found a bunch of old home movies as well, and Willow and Tara and me watched them together. I looked really like Buffy when we were little. No, I didn't. I didn't look like anything. But how can that be possible? It's all right there. Pictures, memories, film. I'm trying not to think about that.  
  
Tara talked to me for a while after. Well, mostly I talked and she listened to me. It was pretty nice of her, because I wasn't even talking about Mom for most of it, just rambling away about nothing, like 'To Kill A Mockingbird' because we're doing it in English and the spells in that book Willow gave me when Mom was in hospital and the last episode of 'Dawson's Creek'. She just listened and smiled and nodded, and when Willow came back from class the three of us went for ice cream. Rocky Road. I used to think there was nothing a good helping of Rocky Road wouldn't help. It made me feel a little better, until I came home and realised Buffy hadn't eaten practically all day and wouldn't have dinner.  
  
I tried to make her sandwiches - if Mom thought she hadn't eaten she'd make Buffy take sandwiches or something out on patrol - but she didn't take them. She still has to patrol. Everything else stops, but it doesn't for other people and Slaying is for other people so she has to carry on.  
  
I think I'm getting a little bit more respect for the Slayer thing.  
  
Xander and Giles went with her, but I laid awake waiting. I don't know, but I'm pretty sure Mom used to do that. I did because she's really all I've got left. I wish Riley was still here. Or Angel. Or Spike, even. Someone really good to back her up on patrol and then hold her up when she's done.  
  
* * * * *  
  
1st March  
  
The funeral's in two days. Buffy and I have to pick something out for Mom to wear. I think something pretty, like a nice dress. Something she would have liked to wear for... I guess for forever. I don't think I want to see her body again. I already know that it's not her.  
  
Giles has sorted most of it out. It's going to be a church service, and then all out at the grave. Apparently, she wanted to be buried. Buffy picked which cemetery, I think it's the one she thinks least vamps come from. Maybe she doesn't want to have to be reminded so much. Not that she can forget. I think I want to be cremated. If there's anything left when I die - maybe I'll just dissipate or something. There'll be nothing left.  
  
I want to say something but I don't know what. Get up and say 'well, thanks for loving me even though I wasn't yours!' There just aren't any words. None I want to share. Just 'I love you, Mom, and I miss you so much I feel like I'm going to crumble up inside, and it's only been a couple of days and why aren't you still here?'  
  
~ Later ~  
  
Angel's here. We were all here this afternoon - everyone seems to be here, all the time, which is nice but sometimes I feel like screaming at them all for time alone, even though then I don't want to be alone - and the doorbell went and Willow answered it and Cordelia and Wes came in first and then Angel came in under a blanket. Buffy came out of the kitchen and they didn't really say anything, just he said 'hi' and she said 'you came' and they hugged for a long time. He just barely said hi to everyone else, kissed me on the forehead, and then they went upstairs. I went up to have a look later and they were lying on her bed and she was crying and just kind of babbling to him and he was murmuring to her and crying too. I felt almost like a... voyeur, I think is the word. Like I was seeing something I shouldn't be. I think she felt a little bit better for it. She hasn't really cried with anyone else since the first day. She's a bottler. I remember Janice's mom was after she and Janice's dad got divorced, and then she had like a nervous breakdown, and I really don't want that to happen, so even though I'm still kind of mad with Angel for making Buffy *really* difficult to live with for so much of the time, I'm happy he's here.  
  
Wesley and Cordelia both went up a little while later and talked to Buffy, and I know neither of them really got on with her (details are other things in the 'keep Dawn in the dark for her own good' chronicles) but Cordelia cried a little and they both told Buffy and me that they were sorry, and they brought some kind of casserole thing. They didn't say how they knew and no one asked. I guess it doesn't really matter, just that they're here.  
  
Buffy actually ate dinner, which Angel cooked (so weird, but it was good) and then she insisted on going out on patrol, even though her eyes were so red everything was probably a complete blur. Angel insisted on going with her. I went to sleep early, after a crying jag in Cordelia's lap. She was really nice to me.  
  
* * * * *  
  
2nd March  
  
When I came downstairs this morning, Angel was already there. He was dressed and hair gelled and everything, but it was so obvious he must have stayed the night, and my first thought was 'Mom is going to kill Buffy when she finds out' and then I remembered *why* he'd stayed the night. More crying.  
  
I remember why I always liked Angel - he never treated me like a kid. Definitely never called me kid. He hugged me and stroked my hair, almost like he had with Buffy, and gave me tissues, and then he let me have ice cream for breakfast, but with a strict order that it was a special occasion and it felt really great to have someone being in charge and big-brotherly like that. Buffy's trying really hard, but she's still coping too and Giles is kind-of hanging back and kind-of attempting to be dadly to me like he is to Buffy, but Angel was practically normal. Death must be *really* usual to him. He's even been through it.  
  
I asked him about the memorial service. I'm thinking poem or something, but I don't want to write one... it's too raw and I'm not a creative writer type. He rattled some off, which was pretty impressive, but none that were right.  
  
I asked if he remembered his Mom's funeral, and he got all quiet and then said really quietly and seriously that he killed his Mom when he was a vamp and I felt really awful. Awful for bringing it up and then awful because if there's one thing worse than your Mom dying, it's got to be doing it yourself. He said it was okay, but I still felt bad. It stopped me asking my biggie.  
  
Was happened to him when he died? Or, really, where's my Mom?  
  
* * * * *  
  
4th March  
  
The funeral was yesterday. Less than a day ago, and it already seems like a dream, like a really bad nightmare. I don't think I really realised until I saw the coffin, and it was like hey, my mother is in there. She's not coming back. She's gone.  
  
We had a - not a party, is it? A gathering. A wake at the house. Giles hosted it; Buffy and I were in her bedroom, with Angel and Willow and Tara, getting cuddles and tissues, and, a little bit later, sedation. I still feel a bit groggy now. Maybe that's just the funeral.  
  
Dad didn't come. Dad didn't send anything. Dad didn't call. The bastard. He divorced Mom, he didn't divorce us, right? You'd think a guy would come to the funeral of the mother of his children, if just for them. I won't go with him if he comes.  
  
The service was pretty nice. The vicar talked and was dutifully pleasant about the deceased he never knew. Mom wasn't religious. We sang hymns, until it was too hard because I'd cried too much. I was trying not to cry, not too much, because it made my voice go all think and hiccupy when I read my poem out. I found one eventually. Angel helped. It sounded nice when I read it, comforting, but at the funeral it seemed really... incongruous. It was just words. Here it is:  
  
Do not stand at my grave and weep,  
I am not there, I do not sleep.  
I am a thousand winds that blow.  
I am the diamond glints on the snow.  
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.  
I am the gentle autumn rain.  
  
When you awaken in the mornings' hush,  
I am the swift uplifting rush,  
Of quiet birds in circled flight.  
I am the soft stars, that shine at night.  
Do not stand at my grave and cry,  
I am not there, I did not die.  
  
Pretty words. But they don't mean anything. Mommy *was* there. In the coffin, the polished pale oak coffin with the shiny gold handles and a discreet nameplate on the top. I wanted to ask them to take the plate off, and maybe then it wouldn't be her. Lots of flowers, a picture of Mom. Not a picture she liked. Mom only ever liked being in pictures if she was with Buffy or me or preferably both. Her girls together, she said.  
  
Not together now.  
  
A lot of people got up and said nice things. Her friends, her colleagues, relatives I haven't seen for years. I didn't really listen. Buffy didn't go up. She was sitting with Angel, holding his hand so tight. When the vicar asked if anyone wanted to say anything, I saw him lean over and whisper something to her, but she shook her head and then laid it on his shoulder and he put his arm around her.  
  
He was wearing a grey suit. I thought that was weird. He usually wears black and then the one time you're supposed to, he shows up in grey. He didn't look as strange in that as Xander did in his suit. He looked really uncomfortable and it hung strangely and Anya kept brushing it off with the arm that wasn't through his. There were some really ugly outfits there. Not for Mommy. We put her in a long yellow dress, because she always liked yellow. As if it mattered.  
  
I sat between Tara and Willow, and then when Willow started crying I felt guilty because she should have been with Tara but I was there in the way. They each held one of my hands, and when I was crying after I read my poem, Tara came up to get me. Buffy reached over and squeezed my hand, but she was pretty much preoccupied with the making Angel's shoulder as damp as possible.  
  
The graveside was awful. The vicar said more nice things I didn't listen to. It was just this huge hole. I was staring into it, I couldn't look away from the darkness. I could smell the mud and see the guys waiting to fill it in. I wanted to scream at them to go away, so Mom wouldn't be in there, covered in dirt and a couple of roses. She's in there now. She was claustrophobic. What if she woke up?  
  
It was a horrible day, lots of clouds and grey, and I was glad because sunshine would have been wrong, practically rude, and it meant Angel could be with Buffy at the graveside. He was practically holding her up, but she didn't seem to notice, because she was staring into the grave like me, only she had tears coursing down her cheeks and mine were dry. I felt too numb to cry. I kind of wondered what everyone else was crying for. It wasn't real.  
  
About halfway through, Buffy really collapsed. Properly, but Angel caught her before she hit the ground and took her away. I could see him leaning against a mausoleum - we should have got her a mausoleum so she wouldn't be scared by the ground - with her in his arms, and then I wanted her and I didn't want to be by the hole anymore so I ran over and he put out an arm for me and Buffy wrapped one of hers around me too and I felt almost okay for a little moment.  
  
When we went back to the grave the service was nearly over. Giles took Buffy's other hand and Xander took mine and we all threw flowers in.  
  
I nearly threw up. I did throw up when we got home, and I think Buffy did as well. Everybody was looking at us with sympathy smiles.  
  
The drugs gave me bad dreams.  
  
* * * * *  
  
5th March  
  
I lay in bed for a really long time this morning. I just didn't feel like I could get up. Buffy came in to talk to me but didn't really say anything. She lent me Mr Gordo. I always wanted him when I was little, none of my toys were ever good enough.   
  
Angel brought me breakfast and I asked him was he going to stay. He hesitated and I thought he might be going to lie to me, but I'm pretty sure he didn't. I think I knew he wouldn't be here too long, I just hoped he might because it really does seem to make things more bearable for Buffy when he's with her and I like him being around too... but I guess there's people in LA who like having him around. He said he was staying as long as we needed him, and he'd be back whenever we, or Buffy, or I, needed him or wanted him. I think Buffy needs or wants him most of the time, but I didn't say it because I thought it might hurt him. What he's offering isn't what it could be, but it's enough. It's good.  
  
And it's all confusing now because... the funeral's over. It's like waiting for Christmas, and when it's over it's all empty, only not good like Christmas. It seems like everything should go back to normal. But it can't.  
  
We've got to make a new normal now.  
  
I liked the old one.  



End file.
